Over zen en leven
In search of humanity
rough draft for a talk that didn't take place
Hesitant to speak. Don’t quite know what to say.
All is: ‘in my view, opinion and experience’; I don’t claim to come up with something new. It is from my own life and where I stand that I say these things. Maybe, many people here present already discovered this for themselves ages ago, or they never had the problem(s) or difficulty that I had / am having. So it may not be applicable or of interest to them.
Also, I have been talking about these things with some of you, and have talked about it before our group in Utrecht as well, so for some, this may not be new.
Many years I have practiced zen. Only recently I found that my practice was one-sided. I wanted to find my true self, to find no-self. But I found that liberation on the existential dimension doesn’t ensure freedom in personal life.
Even, in all the years of practicing, things remained covered up, in the dark. I thought I was doing great, but a lot of things about myself I couldn’t see. I felt fine, Samadhi was good enough, but in this very Samadhi, I could ‘sit away’ any problems. Not that they were solved, they just became invisible. So maybe even, the more Samadhi, the more I couldn’t get to that dimension of my personality, a dimension that for sure was the motivation to start Zen practice in the first place. I could reach something, but couldn’t see what was most needed.
What is the most important thing in life? Now, I come to discover it is not just about being the one in the whole universe. My practice may have been one sided, Zen may also be one sided.
Let me be clear from the start – I carry Zen practice in my heart. I sit almost every day in a deep conviction that this is it. It will stay at the heart of my religious practice, it ís the heart of my religious practice. Without being able to point out why and what, it is very subtle and pure life.
But it is not just about the macho mountains and rivers thing that we hear from the old Zen masters. What is lacking there? What is the most important thing in life?
Not in Zen training I could find true and full freedom and fullness of being human. Only in myself am I now discovering the deeper dimensions.
For me, the most important thing right now is not to be very Zen. Not the blut und boden quotes about absolutely nothing and the whole universe. That’s just the start. The danger is we stay there. Who is gone? Fine, you are gone. But still, you’re there. And not just the mountain streams and the cypress tree in the garden, and all those other images that traditional Zen uses. Wonderful expressions of existential freedom. Wonderful expressions of solipsism at the same time.
Almost nowhere I can find the other, in the Zen tradition. Some lip service to compassion, albeit in a mostly conceptual way. But we are not alone.
The most wonderful thing in religious life is love. Not the mountain stream, but the sweaty hair of your children, the tears and joy of your lover, the warmth of tenderness.
And we may think that we are doing great, and maybe we are. But maybe, we’re just not seeing all kinds of things about ourselves, in spite of, or because of, the intensity of our Zen practice. It should not be just about Zen and realization. It should be about being fully human, breadth and depth. It should be about being truly religious, truly human. The focus of our practice is to live in a fulfilled and fulfilling way, about being able to be who you are in all aspects of your life and humanity. This is far more complex, interesting and fulfilling than merely going for the root. If you only go for the root, you may be free, but very unfree. You may have no self, but with an unbearable self. It is at best one sided. It could be damaging, both for yourself and others. What is the purity of your practice, of your deeds and actions? From where do you practice, from where do you live?
Of course, the way we practice is our own responsibility. But it is hard to see ourselves. We have a responsibility to look at ourselves as best as we can. And on a certain level, there may be a lack of a mirror for this in the Zen tradition. How can we create it, how can we give not only the route to the root, but also the way to a full blossoming? I have no ambition in my life but to be a good father to my children and a loving and caring person to my love. That is a life’s work. Noting is closer, more intimate and more difficult. How to become fully human? That is my present question. And: how to do something within the tradition that will prevent others from falling into the traps I fell in. I have no clue.
When you think this is so, then why don’t you leave and leave us in peace, you might wonder. But instead of going to another tradition or continue on my own, I choose to penetrate the essence of this tradition, then bringing it to life, to my own life, make it alive in my life and time. I have grown up in it and am eternally indebted to it, even though it doesn’t always see, it cannot always see, its own shortcomings. Neither can I. And would I leave my love when I discover that she is not the perfect woman I imagined her to be? No doubt I would love her even deeper. Would I reject my children when they do something I do not agree with? They are independent but belong, eternally, with me. Whatever they do, I will love them, maybe in tears, but still love them. So too with zen. Inexplicably, at bottom, this is my religious way and tradition. I have entered this long ago. Now it runs through my veins. Of course this is all just conceptual, after all, what is zen? But talking about the tradition I grew up in. So now that we are at this point in time and space, now that I am here, what do I do? What do I do with it?
I don’t know, but I am fully confident that together, we can and will find new ways. With our working together, with all our energy, creativity, gentleness, tenderness and love. It cannot but happen. Seeing a lack for sure is the start, and most important moment, in finding new ways and enriching the present one. Already more than half the work is done. Let us be open and careful, and try to see for ourselves what is what. See the whole situation and the fullness of life. It is ever new. Let us make full use of this precious opportunity to deepen our practice together. Let us bring our religious humanity to full blossoming. Gently deepening our zazen here is a crucial and essential part of that. Then, when we return to our lives, opening up to the complete fullness of it, breadth and depth.
Ron Sinnige, June 2010
All is: ‘in my view, opinion and experience’; I don’t claim to come up with something new. It is from my own life and where I stand that I say these things. Maybe, many people here present already discovered this for themselves ages ago, or they never had the problem(s) or difficulty that I had / am having. So it may not be applicable or of interest to them.
Also, I have been talking about these things with some of you, and have talked about it before our group in Utrecht as well, so for some, this may not be new.
Many years I have practiced zen. Only recently I found that my practice was one-sided. I wanted to find my true self, to find no-self. But I found that liberation on the existential dimension doesn’t ensure freedom in personal life.
Even, in all the years of practicing, things remained covered up, in the dark. I thought I was doing great, but a lot of things about myself I couldn’t see. I felt fine, Samadhi was good enough, but in this very Samadhi, I could ‘sit away’ any problems. Not that they were solved, they just became invisible. So maybe even, the more Samadhi, the more I couldn’t get to that dimension of my personality, a dimension that for sure was the motivation to start Zen practice in the first place. I could reach something, but couldn’t see what was most needed.
What is the most important thing in life? Now, I come to discover it is not just about being the one in the whole universe. My practice may have been one sided, Zen may also be one sided.
Let me be clear from the start – I carry Zen practice in my heart. I sit almost every day in a deep conviction that this is it. It will stay at the heart of my religious practice, it ís the heart of my religious practice. Without being able to point out why and what, it is very subtle and pure life.
But it is not just about the macho mountains and rivers thing that we hear from the old Zen masters. What is lacking there? What is the most important thing in life?
Not in Zen training I could find true and full freedom and fullness of being human. Only in myself am I now discovering the deeper dimensions.
For me, the most important thing right now is not to be very Zen. Not the blut und boden quotes about absolutely nothing and the whole universe. That’s just the start. The danger is we stay there. Who is gone? Fine, you are gone. But still, you’re there. And not just the mountain streams and the cypress tree in the garden, and all those other images that traditional Zen uses. Wonderful expressions of existential freedom. Wonderful expressions of solipsism at the same time.
Almost nowhere I can find the other, in the Zen tradition. Some lip service to compassion, albeit in a mostly conceptual way. But we are not alone.
The most wonderful thing in religious life is love. Not the mountain stream, but the sweaty hair of your children, the tears and joy of your lover, the warmth of tenderness.
And we may think that we are doing great, and maybe we are. But maybe, we’re just not seeing all kinds of things about ourselves, in spite of, or because of, the intensity of our Zen practice. It should not be just about Zen and realization. It should be about being fully human, breadth and depth. It should be about being truly religious, truly human. The focus of our practice is to live in a fulfilled and fulfilling way, about being able to be who you are in all aspects of your life and humanity. This is far more complex, interesting and fulfilling than merely going for the root. If you only go for the root, you may be free, but very unfree. You may have no self, but with an unbearable self. It is at best one sided. It could be damaging, both for yourself and others. What is the purity of your practice, of your deeds and actions? From where do you practice, from where do you live?
Of course, the way we practice is our own responsibility. But it is hard to see ourselves. We have a responsibility to look at ourselves as best as we can. And on a certain level, there may be a lack of a mirror for this in the Zen tradition. How can we create it, how can we give not only the route to the root, but also the way to a full blossoming? I have no ambition in my life but to be a good father to my children and a loving and caring person to my love. That is a life’s work. Noting is closer, more intimate and more difficult. How to become fully human? That is my present question. And: how to do something within the tradition that will prevent others from falling into the traps I fell in. I have no clue.
When you think this is so, then why don’t you leave and leave us in peace, you might wonder. But instead of going to another tradition or continue on my own, I choose to penetrate the essence of this tradition, then bringing it to life, to my own life, make it alive in my life and time. I have grown up in it and am eternally indebted to it, even though it doesn’t always see, it cannot always see, its own shortcomings. Neither can I. And would I leave my love when I discover that she is not the perfect woman I imagined her to be? No doubt I would love her even deeper. Would I reject my children when they do something I do not agree with? They are independent but belong, eternally, with me. Whatever they do, I will love them, maybe in tears, but still love them. So too with zen. Inexplicably, at bottom, this is my religious way and tradition. I have entered this long ago. Now it runs through my veins. Of course this is all just conceptual, after all, what is zen? But talking about the tradition I grew up in. So now that we are at this point in time and space, now that I am here, what do I do? What do I do with it?
I don’t know, but I am fully confident that together, we can and will find new ways. With our working together, with all our energy, creativity, gentleness, tenderness and love. It cannot but happen. Seeing a lack for sure is the start, and most important moment, in finding new ways and enriching the present one. Already more than half the work is done. Let us be open and careful, and try to see for ourselves what is what. See the whole situation and the fullness of life. It is ever new. Let us make full use of this precious opportunity to deepen our practice together. Let us bring our religious humanity to full blossoming. Gently deepening our zazen here is a crucial and essential part of that. Then, when we return to our lives, opening up to the complete fullness of it, breadth and depth.
Ron Sinnige, June 2010
